Toss Your Cookies, Don't Toss Your Cookies

Ok, so this is a tough subject. I've been putting off writing about it because it's sensitive topic with potential for heated discussion, but in reviewing our activity log, we've seen that people have been searching for information on this subject and unfortunately, I am a person to share it. There may be some triggering information in this article, so if you're not cool with that, don't read it. But, I hope you do and find it somewhat enlightening or at the very least, personal. Allow me to get all daytime talk show on you for a moment: I was bulimic for 6 years.

I've received some emails from Chaturbate staff asking if I just woke up one morning, started Weight Watchers and the rest was history. No. In fact, hell, no! Here's a brief "neurosis in a nutshell" for you:

I had a beautiful set of parents. Like, gorgeous, movie-star looking parents. Both died when I was young, one when I was 10, one when I was 20. Mix yourself an evil hell-beast stepmother with looked like Loni Anderson with a penchant for crash-diets, general overall fear of being unloved, a grief-stricken father and a constant underlying desire to be as beautiful and perfect as my deceased mother and you got yourself a right fine eating-disorder cocktail.

Growing up in my house, while I never lacked for anything material and lived pretty much luxuriously, I had a big gaping void where my mom used to be and kind of crater left by the emotional absence of my grieving father. He left the rearing to my stepmonster, who couldn't raise a kid for shit. And she had two of her own.

Anyway, a chunky boy, I got made fun of in school and my stepmonster was embarrassed to be seen with me. She made that abundantly clear, so she put me on a horrible, nutritionally unsound diet and I lost 50lbs. Puberty hit at the same time and I shot up 5 inches to 5'10" and around 125lbs. Suddenly, people noticed me... for the better.

Next thing I knew, I was modeling professionally, boys at school starting paying attention to me, and life should have been good. But I felt a constant state of panic that if I were to gain an ounce, no one would love me anymore. I wouldn't be as good as my mom, my stepmother would hate me even more and my world would basically come crashing down.

So, I ate as little as possible and when I did eat, I hurl it as soon as possible. I was never a laxative or diuretic type. But you know how I learned to do all this? How I learned to do it for years before anyone even noticed?

After-school specials. Jenny, Eat Something or whatever they were called.

Eventually, I moved out of my parent's house at 17. I lived on my own and gradually the bulimia sort of released it's grip. I was fortunate that way. It was my environment that was setting it off. I started to gain some weight and then my dad died, which caused me to really freak out and gain a lot of weight. By the time I was 21, I was 263lbs. I'd traded one disorder for another -- emotional overeating. In 5 years, I'd gained 135lbs and counting, eventually topping out at 307lbs before starting Weight Watchers in January 2003.

I can't know what it's like for everyone with bulimia. But, I know what it was like for me. It's taxing on your body and your soul. It rots your teeth. It makes you anti-social because often there is food around in social settings. Your skin looks like shit, your breath might smell and you're one crabby bitch.

I can tell you right here and now that it's not worth it, but if you have it, you probably don't believe me. I didn't believe it either. Bulimia won't make you lose weight. It is not a diet method. Bulimia won't make your problems go away when you flush that cheesecake.

If you have bulimia or think you do, get help. And eating disorder is something you'll always have to fight with. There are times to this day, like when I've overeaten or feeling especially full, where for one brief, flickering moment, I consider it. And then I pull my head out of my ass.

Get help. Talk to a counselor. Read material on eating disorders. Talk to a friend or family member you think you can relate to. It's not worth it and that much vomitting will stop your heart before it'll stop the fat. No joke.

Give Your Wish List A Workout

Pamper Me, Pamper YouI would love nothing more than to lose 10 pounds and then reward myself with a trough of baked ziti. Believe me. But I would probably gain the 10 pounds back and then some. Using food as comfort or a prize sets the wrong tone for me. For years I used food that way, and sure good food provides temporary happiness. But what makes me the most happy is feeling good about myself all the time, not just in 10 minute spurts. (Yes I can eat a trough of baked ziti in 10 minutes.... just ask my fat ass, she saw me do it... from the next state over).

I believe we touched on this subject briefly when we first opened The Donut, but I think it's a really important and motivational way to get and keep yourself on track when it is so easy to lose focus these days. In the beginning of my attempt to change my life I set up a list of things I wanted (non food related) and assigned goals to each one. My 1st 10 percent loss was rewarded with a manicure and pedicure at my favorite salon. The next 10 lb intervals that came off warranted other things like that new purse I was coveting or a new pair of jeans. I even set a reward for reaching my ultimate goal, which I reached but by the time I did, I was so happy with being at goal that I didn't even care about the reward. Being able to look in the mirror and feel good was enough reward.

But its been almost 2 years since then and I fluctuate within 8 lbs of that weight and need to get myself in check from time to time. We all do. It's a life time commitment for me... I'll be doing this forever.

I keep a current list of thing I want on my desk and promise myself one of them for each goal I achieve. It's usually something along the lines of:

Allow myself a purchase

Manicure and Pedicure at The Good Salon

My highlights redone, and a haircut

An article of clothing that costs more than $15

Skin care... My current obsession is with Shiseido, which cost an arm and a leg

Goodies from Bath & Body Works

You get the idea. Not only is it nice to be able to spoil myself for being good, the reward is usually something that makes me feel good about myself. A new haircut or a manicure always perk me up and make me feel better. You make your own list... not everyone is a salon addict like myself. Tailor your list to the things you like or the things that make you motivated to keep going. Whatever it is, you deserve it for being so good to you!

Snack Attack

I had the whole Carmen Electra DVD review written up and ready to post on https://www.jasminlive.mobi/, but when I hit "save", MovableType ate it. I didn't have the same passion to write it again right then, so it'll have to wait until Monday. Sorry.]

I'm a snacker -- always have been. But I'm more of a snacker now that I don't eat full-on meals anymore, really. I eat "mini-meals". Yes, still a breakfast, lunch and dinner, but smaller than your average "3 squares" and there's often knoshing in between. It helps keep your blood sugar at a respectable level and keep you satiated throughout the day, so when your meal times do come around, you don't scarf the entire fridge.

Some of my favorite "in betweens":

popcorn (94% fat-free, sometimes seasoned, sometimes not)

carrots and hummus

1/2 cup to 1 cup of fat-free cottage cheese

lite swiss and turkey, rolled up (no bread)

sliced granny smith apple with a tablespoon of light cream cheese

ready-pac salad fixings (toss a cup or two in a bowl with some low-fat dressing)

tuna lettuce wrap

Since I'm a crazy woman with the work today, I open this up to all of you. I'm always looking for some new low-point and/or low-calories and/or low-glycemic snack ideas, so I'm sure our jasmine live readers are, too.

What are your favorite healthy snacks? (Tell us what plan you're on, if any, please.)

The Alternative Bagel

Now, in trying to maintain a leaner diet, I gave up bagels, as I'd rather not shell out up to 6 points for it. I just can't bring myself to do it. I saw an ad in Weight Watchers magazine for The Alternative Bagel from Western Bagel. When I ran across them in my local grocery store, I decided to go for it. I picked up the Roasted Onion variety and gleefully scurried home like I'd just gotten front-row tickets to Menudo.

Lemme tell ya, these are good. They toast up nicely and the flavor is excellent. They are lighter and less dense than a traditional bagel, but for ONE POINT, I'm not going to complain. It's a decently-sized bagel that goes well with light Philadelphia cream cheese. (I just can't do the fat-free cream cheese. I'd rather lick grout caulk.)

If you can't get them in your area, you can order them online. I can't wait to go buy more, but I'm making myself wait until I finish this package. The last thing I need is a bunch of bread in my house.

I'm not really sure how this is a carb-counting product, though. The front of the package says, "Counting Carbs?" on it, but when I look at the nutritional info, it lists 25g of carbs per bagel, which doesn't seem that low to me. Then again, I'm not on Atkins or whatever. I mean, I think that's high for Atkins, but if you're just working on a balanced diet, then it's fine, I think.

The Alternative Bagel is fat-free, cholesterol-free, sugar-free and only 110 calories. But, it's definitely not taste-free. It's got 7g of fiber and 6g of protein per bagel, which is a plus. I love them. I will definitely purchase them again.

I give the Alternative Bagel by Western Bagel 4.5 donuts. Being an actual big-as-my-face bagel is the only thing that would make it better. Go bagel.

Eat Your Vegetables!

Eat your veggies!Our parents badgered us with it since we were . Now, the Produce for Better Health Foundation is running commercials encouraging us all to eat more vegetables. Magazines are featuring articles on vegetables in every color of the rainbow, complete with the benefits of each.

The consensus? Veggies are good for you. My problem? I buy them and then never eat them in time so they rot or I forget they are in there and they rot. Rotting is the theme here. And if you've ever had to clean out a crisper drawer after produce goes bad, you'll heed my advice.

Unless you have a fancy fridge with see-through drawers (and sometimes even if you do), I've discovered the crisper to be a detriment to my produce, as opposed to a benefit. So, I've changed it up.

I put all my diet sodas, fat-free pudding cups, cheeses, pretty much anything I don't want to consume of a lot of in the bottom crisper drawer. Produce is out in the open so it's the first thing I see when I open the fridge. I've found that it gets eaten more and for some reason, stays fresh longer.

"Out of site, out of mind" can work to your advantage sometimes.